Iz a bb boy!

So I now have two wonderful boys in my life -- this little one and his dad. And I find it weird because I grew up without much male influence in my life, what with my dad dying when I was ten. I grew up in a family of four girls, my wonderful mother included. And it was fun, but essentially, I was kind of forced to be the "boy". Picking characters from Power Rangers? I'm the blue ranger! And now I'm thinking: How can I raise this little boy to be the best boy in the world? It's true what they say about motherhood -- you'd want to put everything within your child's reach without managing to spoil the wonder that he'd experience in discovering new things. I haven't even touched him yet but in a heartbeat, I'd lay my life down for him.

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Now playing: Paper Kites - Halcyon

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Don't Cry

The oldies weren't kidding when they tell us that marriage is not for the faint of heart or "Ang pag-aasawa ay hindi parang kanin na mainit na basta mo na lamang iluluwa kapag napaso ka".

We haven't even begun or married life and here we are, already fighting our asses off. Maybe because things are a lot more complicated. Because there's a baby on the way. Because our families' values are worlds apart. Because we can't seem to get on the same line, same train of thought -- which is a wonder because before all of this chaos happened, we were always on the same line; we can finish each other's sentence. What the hell happened?

Honesty is cruel, but here's me being honest: I regret not using any form of birth control. Because frankly, I'm not ready to be a mother. I am too selfish to be one at this point. And I fear that this selfishness will lead my child astray. And I do not want that, because screwing up my own life is one thing, but screwing up this precious, innocent one's life is another, because he/she does not deserve it. So here I am, trying to be brave, strong, and all those adjectives that one needs to muster to be able to wake up everyday without having the need to blow their heads into smithereens.

And now, here we are, still trying to mash together, to please our families who seem to grow up from two very, very different worlds. It's like a war. And I'm the middle of it. And I don't have a gun. But I have to fight. And all I have is this comrade who's also confused and torn between the two fighting parties.

How did this get so messy? So telenovela-like?

If I have to do it alone, I'd do it. Just so I won't have to impose anything on anyone and burden them with my being. Just so I won't be disappointed when he fails to fulfill the needs of a soon-to-be father. Just so I don't hurt anyone. Anyone, but myself. Because it's easier to forgive me hurting me, than to forgive me hurting someone else. Especially when that someone else is the one that I love the most.

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Now playing: The Weepies

I remember it was my cousin's nth birthday. It was a big party, with lots of kids and balloons and games. It wasn't a particularly special birthday but I remembered feeling very happy after it. The next day, our grandma woke us up early. Her eyes were kind of swollen, but being a kid, I just pegged it as too much/less sleep. She sat us down in front of the telly and let us watch cartoons on it. And when we were on the funniest bit of the toon, she stepped in front and told us that our dad died. He was supposed to come home that day. And he did. But in a coffin.

Every year after his death, I write this story. Because I do not want to forget. Because forgetting him would mean forgetting our great times together; forgetting him would be forgetting my best friend.
I no longer feel sad when I write about the day we lost him. It's true that any loss, any void can be refilled. It may not be the same material of what was lost, but nevertheless, it is refilled. I do not want to say replace because I would never want to replace him. Because he and his death has taught me so much. Mostly about death, but most importantly about love and life.

I refused to see this before -- the loss of him has clouded my thinking, blocked all positive things: His death has brought upon me so much that without him dying, I wouldn't be this person. In a way, losing him was good, because then I found myself.

So here's to a celebration of your life through me, dad. Here's to the memories and stories that you have imparted to me. Here's to meeting you again soon.

Here's to faith. Here's to love. Here's to you.

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Now playing: Dance With My Father Again

The Porcupine's Dilemma

When I said that I have abandonment issues, I was not quoting Meredith Grey nor was I trying to be this vulnerable and fragile girl so men can fawn over me. I have had this perpetual fear of dying alone in my apartment where my cats would nibble on my face. I don't have cats, but I have that fear anyways. And I have this person, who's getting close, too close, so much closer than I have let anyone in, and I started to depend on him and I hate depending on anyone. Because this is not me, because I have always been proud of being able to get by life with just me.

In times like these, I wish my dad hadn't died. Because, really, it all started there. Someone that I really love and admire died - left - and my bubble of certainty burst and I was suddenly pushed out into the world, not knowing what to do, how to act, what to say and just literally, not knowing how to deal with feelings and people and feelings for people. I mean, is this normal? Am I really supposed to depend on this other person? Or is it just because someone was finally here? But what do I do when the person suddenly disappears? Do I feel this way because I'm a spoiled bitch? Like, when you give me something, I expect you to continue giving it to me until I tell you to stop? Regardless of whether this is normal or not, how do I make this stop?

"Don't make me feel safe and then just abandon me." - Charlie, Girls

The Giraffe Who's A Failure

Disappointing everyone on an everyday basis.
Grasping on straws; one's hands are charged north and the straws are charged south.
Breaking out in tears or just simply going full angry-retarded on everyone.
Trying to fit in but failing.
Pretending but failing.
Lying but failing.

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Now playing: Silence

Recap. (Or why I'm smiling on a Monday)

I brought le boyfriend to our family reunion. And it's the first time since forever that I brought someone. He participated in the family's Amazing Race thingy and won it for us. He made my grandma laugh.

We ate bad shrimp on the event so I had a mild case of food poisoning. He heard me pooing and puking so he laid me down and spooned me while rubbing my tummy while whispering "You can do it, you can do it."

dkshfbkdsabfjashdjkfhekrfds. You have no idea how my heart soars because of him. And me trying to put that feeling into words is just laughable. Because it's simply not possible.

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Now playing: Laura Pergolizzi - Tokyo Sunrise

I Have A Feeling

I'm not angry, really. No. I'm simply scared. For my heart. Because I feel like it's about to be broken again. Because I have been in there. I have lost something, someone and it fucking hurts because unlike  being hungry or thirsty, this has no immediate remedy. Once you have your heart broken, it's broken, it's scarred for life. And see, I know that those scars are beautiful in that they're proof that I have loved, but see, the scars make me crumble and want to just close up. Because it frickin' hurts. So yes, I don't want to have it broken again. And I'm not really in the right mind or state of emotion to be talking about, well, emotions, but I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, about to fall, without no one to catch me. Because I have nagged and clung him into possibly unloving me. And I can't help it because that's who I am. And I have tried to unhinge and to not talk and pretend not to care but pretending is too exhausting, especially when he's breaking down my walls.

I hate being me.

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Now playing: Grey's Anatomy Season 6 OST

Things To Remember On Our Bad Days

I
We were lying in bed and you kissed me -- a smack on the lips, lousy really. But then you proceeded to explain that that was how our first kiss went. And then you kissed me gently, clumsily. My heart soared because you remembered, because no one usually remembered, because the call of flesh is rarely retained.

II
The look that you gave me when I gave out a gasp while reading David Levithan's Everyday -- I do not know how to read it, but it seems to me like astonishment at how easily I react to the things around me. I do not know what that look meant but I kind of like the fact that there is still something new that we can throw at each other.

III
When I asked you if I'm bossy, you immediately answered yes. Yes, without judgement. Yes, with resignation that yes, I am bossy, but nevertheless, you love me.

IV
The way we manage to play Candy Crush without killing each other because I randomly swipe at striped candies out of impatience -- candies, with which you were so meticulously plotting to be exploded by those chocolate ones. Yes, candies. Small things do matter.

V
Argo.

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Now playing: Foster the People - Call It What You Want

HowManyTimesDoIHaveToRepeatThis

Here I go again, expecting a lot and then just ending up disappointed and cynical. How many times have I been hurt because of this annoying characteristic of mine. I mean, come on! You should know better! You can't expect anything from anyone because most of the time, things fall out, people choke on their promises, and being optimistic just makes you incredibly vulnerable.

You're sad. Your throat is throbbing. You're crying. And believe me, you look ugly when you cry. Remember these feelings, remember these thoughts. So that you'll know better. The next time you expect something of someone, remember this. You know better.

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Now playing: Ed Sheeran - Give Me Love

It wouldn't hurt, would it?

Every start of the year, I list the things that I plan to do, but don't end up doing in the end. But still, what could be wrong with laying things out, right?

1. A little attitude adjustment. I noticed that I get so pissed off easily. Like, I'm a freakin' ticking bomb; press one wrong button and you can send me off exploding in your face. So yes, I need to change this because it's immature. It's okay to show a little emotion but hey, I can't always show it. There's a right time and right place (and right people) for it. I need to learn to bottle it up, just suck it up and plaster a freakin' smile on my face. Because that's the grown up thing to do.
2. Balance saving and spending. Ahhh, this elusive ability. It's not like I tried... I have, really. But by the end of the year, I lose track of everything because of impromptu travels, impulsive buys, etcetera, etcetera. My uncle taught me something: Out of your salary, take 20% off of it - that's your savings, take 10% - that's for charity or church, the rest is your spending allowance. Doesn't sound so bad, right?
3. No excuses, no regrets. Ever since I was a child, I remember having a retort for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. It was cute for a two year old. But that talent developed into something that's not so cute at all: I had an excuse for everything. Forgot to do the laundry? I was so tired because of work. Forgot to pay the bills? I had a lot of things on my plate, give me a break. Forgot to greet my uncle? Well, he forgot my birthday too. I mean, come on Pao, you're a grown up, you have responsibilities. I get it that you get tired too, but don't all people do? And do you see them forgetting to pay the bills. Just... Man up, grow up, quick!
4. Unhinge and detach. This has always been an inert fault of mine. When I get close to people, I get so naggy and clingy and just plain awful. I know that this is the main reason why most of my relationships do not work: I nag people into unloving me. I am in love with a wonderful man and I don't want to screw it up because I think he might be the one (insert more cheesiness here). It's just that I think I'm fine when I'm on my own, but when I enter into a relationship, something ticks in me that turns me into a "scary version of myself" (Emma, No Strings Attached). I'm lucky to have this person who puts up with my tantrums, but I have to make myself better for this to last.

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Now playing: John Mayer - Why Georgia

#QuickAndCheesy

Alam mo 'yon? 'Yong wala ka nang ibang bukambibig kundi "Najejebs na'ko" pero nakuha pa rin n'yang mag-sambit ng "I love you" sa mukha mong hindi na maipinta.

Remember, Remember The First of December

And the second too.

And I quote: "Napaka-mapanlinlang ng scrambled eggs mo. Patunay na 'Don't judge a book by its cover'". I know, I know, scrambled eggs are the only breakfast that I know how to cook well. -.-

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Now playing: Shontelle - T-Shirt

November 10th

There he was, telling me how his parents raised them. They were seven, he and his siblings, and he told me that because of that bond, kinship, he can never say no to any of them, even if it means that he won't have anything for himself. I found myself weeping, not because of sadness, but because of the realization that I am in love with this wonderful person and he doesn't know his wonderfulness because it has been implanted in him such that what's unusually good for me is normal for him. I wept because I can never be like him and yet he's there, also in love with me and seeing the good in me.

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Now playing: Anne of September - Someone Like You

On the relationship status change: From single to a relationship

To be honest, this feels different compared to the last one. I mean, I wasn't really expecting to engage in yet another office love thingy. When I said that I wasn't traumatized, I was lying. Because I was traumatized. Vow-to-never-love-again-ever-bury-yourself-in-work kind of trauma. I felt like I was in a circus and when I failed to do the tricks, everyone started gawking and laughing and saying "I told you so". And nothing's worse in the world than hearing "I told you so" from the people who never told you anything. Anything. Like "he doesn't seem to like you that much, get away from him ASAP" or "he's a douche, don't you see that?". This time feels different because for some reason, I feel like I'm receiving a blessing from everyone (or at least from the people that mattered to me). Like they approve. Like I have a lot of people who's got my back. And then I have this wonderful man. Not a boy, a man, in every sense. And this will sound so cliche, but I feel his genuine affection slash appreciation for me. The bottom line of this, really, is that it feels fucking fabulous to be loved for who I am and not for who I am envisioned to be.

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Now playing: James Morrison - I Won't Let You Go

When reality meets expectations:

Well, I never really expected this to happen. But I guess it did. And by it I'm pertaining to this thing (a thing, no labels yet) between us. I was resolved to file it under "Yet Another Schoolgirl Crush" but surprise, surprise: You like me too! And I wasn't prepared for it because, well, I'm the type of person who's always prepared for the worst and not for the best. I still can't seem to point out my feelings exactly. But yes, I do like you and the possibility of us being together makes my heart go a little faster and my smiles a little bit bigger. But before I dive into this, an establishment should and must occur. Because frankly, I don't think that I'm ready for a relationship. I mean, I can be in a relationship but I don't have the patience to make it last. And the possibilities for us are just too wonderful to just let it slip because of lack of communication and/or establishment and/or steps needed for a relationship to work. So. Dear hypothalamus, calm down and get your shit together. This time, I want to do it right; "slowly but surely" is our mantra.

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Now playing: James Morrison - You Give Me Something

An Unemotional Emotional Breakdown

So... we got robbed. Weirdly, I didn't have anything stolen. I mean, my jewelry box (full of cheap necklaces, earrings and bracelets) and ODM watch were stolen, but I surely won't miss them (except for the rose ring from my dad). It's a different story for my mom and little sister, though. Bunso lost her laptop, kikay kit (weirdly, they didn't take mine) and wallet which contains her yearbook payment and one week allowance. Mom also lost her laptop and pencil case with 2 flash drives with all her life documents in it. And today, I woke up and saw my mom crying. CRYING. Lately she has been so emotional that the emotional me has been forced to calm down and man up. Because when you see your mom falling apart, you won't have time to fall apart yourself. Because at least one person has to act all brave and strong. And it has to be me. I mean, no one's asking me to take that responsibility, but I feel that I have to take it. Because no one else will, no one else should. So yes, I have temporarily stashed my emotions somewhere far, far away. When will they come back, or would I ever want them back, I do not know.

Also, in times like these, I got to know who really cares. But as of the moment, frankly, I do not care who cares.

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Now playing: Pearl Jam - Even Flow

[Untitled]

Kung papayagan mo lang silang makapasok sa buhay mo, malalaman mong hindi naman talaga malungkot ang mundo. Kung magbibigay ka lang ng kahit kaunting puwang, malalaman mong may gustong pumuno sa kung anumang kakulangang hinahanap mo. Kung bubuksan mo lang ang mga mata mo -- tunay na bubuksan at hindi basta imumulat lang -- makikita mong may marunong pa ring magmalasakit at magbigay nang walang hinihinging kapalit. Maniwala ka sa kabutihan ng tao. Maniwala ka na may nakakarinig ng panalangin mo. Maniwala ka na ang bawat hininga mo ay hindi lamang basta hanging gamit na at walang saysay. Maniwala ka na may magbabago, lalo na kung gugustuhin at aaksyunan mo. Maniwala ka sa sarili mo.

Yeah, well...

Today comes the painful realization that no one knows me at all. No one can understand my one-word sentences, no one can interpret my lopsided smirk that I pass off as a smile (mostly when I'm pissed off), no one knows me well enough. It's as if no one had bothered to look under the hood because what they have seen on the cover seems to be not worth the effort.

No one knows my density.

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Now playing: Tegan and Sara - Clever Meals

[Favorite Memory]

 September 22, 2012 Saturday

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Now playing: Birdy - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

Ten questions:

1. No, I don't think I do. I don't think I did, in the first place.
2. If you will, you might have a chance.
3. Yes, I think that you're a horrible, sad, cold-hearted, apathetic person. Sometimes first impressions aren't wrong.
4. Yes, you will. Everyone does and you're not going to be an exception. Unless you happen to be in a massive accident or something. But still... yes, you will.
5. Maybe. But that thing fades away. Maybe back then, but definitely not now
6. I don't, but I want to. Everyone has to believe in something greater than themselves or else they will be lost.
7. I think I am. But not in a Mary Poppins kind of way and that will do for now.
8. Maybe he never did. So let it go.
9. I don't know yet, but "tunay na pag-ibig" is not going to be it.
10. Yes.

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Now playing: John Mayer - Dreaming With A Broken Heart