I Have A Feeling

I'm not angry, really. No. I'm simply scared. For my heart. Because I feel like it's about to be broken again. Because I have been in there. I have lost something, someone and it fucking hurts because unlike  being hungry or thirsty, this has no immediate remedy. Once you have your heart broken, it's broken, it's scarred for life. And see, I know that those scars are beautiful in that they're proof that I have loved, but see, the scars make me crumble and want to just close up. Because it frickin' hurts. So yes, I don't want to have it broken again. And I'm not really in the right mind or state of emotion to be talking about, well, emotions, but I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, about to fall, without no one to catch me. Because I have nagged and clung him into possibly unloving me. And I can't help it because that's who I am. And I have tried to unhinge and to not talk and pretend not to care but pretending is too exhausting, especially when he's breaking down my walls.

I hate being me.

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Now playing: Grey's Anatomy Season 6 OST

Things To Remember On Our Bad Days

I
We were lying in bed and you kissed me -- a smack on the lips, lousy really. But then you proceeded to explain that that was how our first kiss went. And then you kissed me gently, clumsily. My heart soared because you remembered, because no one usually remembered, because the call of flesh is rarely retained.

II
The look that you gave me when I gave out a gasp while reading David Levithan's Everyday -- I do not know how to read it, but it seems to me like astonishment at how easily I react to the things around me. I do not know what that look meant but I kind of like the fact that there is still something new that we can throw at each other.

III
When I asked you if I'm bossy, you immediately answered yes. Yes, without judgement. Yes, with resignation that yes, I am bossy, but nevertheless, you love me.

IV
The way we manage to play Candy Crush without killing each other because I randomly swipe at striped candies out of impatience -- candies, with which you were so meticulously plotting to be exploded by those chocolate ones. Yes, candies. Small things do matter.

V
Argo.

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Now playing: Foster the People - Call It What You Want

HowManyTimesDoIHaveToRepeatThis

Here I go again, expecting a lot and then just ending up disappointed and cynical. How many times have I been hurt because of this annoying characteristic of mine. I mean, come on! You should know better! You can't expect anything from anyone because most of the time, things fall out, people choke on their promises, and being optimistic just makes you incredibly vulnerable.

You're sad. Your throat is throbbing. You're crying. And believe me, you look ugly when you cry. Remember these feelings, remember these thoughts. So that you'll know better. The next time you expect something of someone, remember this. You know better.

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Now playing: Ed Sheeran - Give Me Love

It wouldn't hurt, would it?

Every start of the year, I list the things that I plan to do, but don't end up doing in the end. But still, what could be wrong with laying things out, right?

1. A little attitude adjustment. I noticed that I get so pissed off easily. Like, I'm a freakin' ticking bomb; press one wrong button and you can send me off exploding in your face. So yes, I need to change this because it's immature. It's okay to show a little emotion but hey, I can't always show it. There's a right time and right place (and right people) for it. I need to learn to bottle it up, just suck it up and plaster a freakin' smile on my face. Because that's the grown up thing to do.
2. Balance saving and spending. Ahhh, this elusive ability. It's not like I tried... I have, really. But by the end of the year, I lose track of everything because of impromptu travels, impulsive buys, etcetera, etcetera. My uncle taught me something: Out of your salary, take 20% off of it - that's your savings, take 10% - that's for charity or church, the rest is your spending allowance. Doesn't sound so bad, right?
3. No excuses, no regrets. Ever since I was a child, I remember having a retort for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. It was cute for a two year old. But that talent developed into something that's not so cute at all: I had an excuse for everything. Forgot to do the laundry? I was so tired because of work. Forgot to pay the bills? I had a lot of things on my plate, give me a break. Forgot to greet my uncle? Well, he forgot my birthday too. I mean, come on Pao, you're a grown up, you have responsibilities. I get it that you get tired too, but don't all people do? And do you see them forgetting to pay the bills. Just... Man up, grow up, quick!
4. Unhinge and detach. This has always been an inert fault of mine. When I get close to people, I get so naggy and clingy and just plain awful. I know that this is the main reason why most of my relationships do not work: I nag people into unloving me. I am in love with a wonderful man and I don't want to screw it up because I think he might be the one (insert more cheesiness here). It's just that I think I'm fine when I'm on my own, but when I enter into a relationship, something ticks in me that turns me into a "scary version of myself" (Emma, No Strings Attached). I'm lucky to have this person who puts up with my tantrums, but I have to make myself better for this to last.

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Now playing: John Mayer - Why Georgia