The Porcupine's Dilemma

When I said that I have abandonment issues, I was not quoting Meredith Grey nor was I trying to be this vulnerable and fragile girl so men can fawn over me. I have had this perpetual fear of dying alone in my apartment where my cats would nibble on my face. I don't have cats, but I have that fear anyways. And I have this person, who's getting close, too close, so much closer than I have let anyone in, and I started to depend on him and I hate depending on anyone. Because this is not me, because I have always been proud of being able to get by life with just me.

In times like these, I wish my dad hadn't died. Because, really, it all started there. Someone that I really love and admire died - left - and my bubble of certainty burst and I was suddenly pushed out into the world, not knowing what to do, how to act, what to say and just literally, not knowing how to deal with feelings and people and feelings for people. I mean, is this normal? Am I really supposed to depend on this other person? Or is it just because someone was finally here? But what do I do when the person suddenly disappears? Do I feel this way because I'm a spoiled bitch? Like, when you give me something, I expect you to continue giving it to me until I tell you to stop? Regardless of whether this is normal or not, how do I make this stop?

"Don't make me feel safe and then just abandon me." - Charlie, Girls

The Giraffe Who's A Failure

Disappointing everyone on an everyday basis.
Grasping on straws; one's hands are charged north and the straws are charged south.
Breaking out in tears or just simply going full angry-retarded on everyone.
Trying to fit in but failing.
Pretending but failing.
Lying but failing.

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Now playing: Silence

Recap. (Or why I'm smiling on a Monday)

I brought le boyfriend to our family reunion. And it's the first time since forever that I brought someone. He participated in the family's Amazing Race thingy and won it for us. He made my grandma laugh.

We ate bad shrimp on the event so I had a mild case of food poisoning. He heard me pooing and puking so he laid me down and spooned me while rubbing my tummy while whispering "You can do it, you can do it."

dkshfbkdsabfjashdjkfhekrfds. You have no idea how my heart soars because of him. And me trying to put that feeling into words is just laughable. Because it's simply not possible.

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Now playing: Laura Pergolizzi - Tokyo Sunrise

I Have A Feeling

I'm not angry, really. No. I'm simply scared. For my heart. Because I feel like it's about to be broken again. Because I have been in there. I have lost something, someone and it fucking hurts because unlike  being hungry or thirsty, this has no immediate remedy. Once you have your heart broken, it's broken, it's scarred for life. And see, I know that those scars are beautiful in that they're proof that I have loved, but see, the scars make me crumble and want to just close up. Because it frickin' hurts. So yes, I don't want to have it broken again. And I'm not really in the right mind or state of emotion to be talking about, well, emotions, but I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, about to fall, without no one to catch me. Because I have nagged and clung him into possibly unloving me. And I can't help it because that's who I am. And I have tried to unhinge and to not talk and pretend not to care but pretending is too exhausting, especially when he's breaking down my walls.

I hate being me.

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Now playing: Grey's Anatomy Season 6 OST