I Have A Feeling

I'm not angry, really. No. I'm simply scared. For my heart. Because I feel like it's about to be broken again. Because I have been in there. I have lost something, someone and it fucking hurts because unlike  being hungry or thirsty, this has no immediate remedy. Once you have your heart broken, it's broken, it's scarred for life. And see, I know that those scars are beautiful in that they're proof that I have loved, but see, the scars make me crumble and want to just close up. Because it frickin' hurts. So yes, I don't want to have it broken again. And I'm not really in the right mind or state of emotion to be talking about, well, emotions, but I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, about to fall, without no one to catch me. Because I have nagged and clung him into possibly unloving me. And I can't help it because that's who I am. And I have tried to unhinge and to not talk and pretend not to care but pretending is too exhausting, especially when he's breaking down my walls.

I hate being me.

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Now playing: Grey's Anatomy Season 6 OST

Things To Remember On Our Bad Days

I
We were lying in bed and you kissed me -- a smack on the lips, lousy really. But then you proceeded to explain that that was how our first kiss went. And then you kissed me gently, clumsily. My heart soared because you remembered, because no one usually remembered, because the call of flesh is rarely retained.

II
The look that you gave me when I gave out a gasp while reading David Levithan's Everyday -- I do not know how to read it, but it seems to me like astonishment at how easily I react to the things around me. I do not know what that look meant but I kind of like the fact that there is still something new that we can throw at each other.

III
When I asked you if I'm bossy, you immediately answered yes. Yes, without judgement. Yes, with resignation that yes, I am bossy, but nevertheless, you love me.

IV
The way we manage to play Candy Crush without killing each other because I randomly swipe at striped candies out of impatience -- candies, with which you were so meticulously plotting to be exploded by those chocolate ones. Yes, candies. Small things do matter.

V
Argo.

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Now playing: Foster the People - Call It What You Want

HowManyTimesDoIHaveToRepeatThis

Here I go again, expecting a lot and then just ending up disappointed and cynical. How many times have I been hurt because of this annoying characteristic of mine. I mean, come on! You should know better! You can't expect anything from anyone because most of the time, things fall out, people choke on their promises, and being optimistic just makes you incredibly vulnerable.

You're sad. Your throat is throbbing. You're crying. And believe me, you look ugly when you cry. Remember these feelings, remember these thoughts. So that you'll know better. The next time you expect something of someone, remember this. You know better.

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Now playing: Ed Sheeran - Give Me Love