I remember it was my cousin's nth birthday. It was a big party, with lots of kids and balloons and games. It wasn't a particularly special birthday but I remembered feeling very happy after it. The next day, our grandma woke us up early. Her eyes were kind of swollen, but being a kid, I just pegged it as too much/less sleep. She sat us down in front of the telly and let us watch cartoons on it. And when we were on the funniest bit of the toon, she stepped in front and told us that our dad died. He was supposed to come home that day. And he did. But in a coffin.

Every year after his death, I write this story. Because I do not want to forget. Because forgetting him would mean forgetting our great times together; forgetting him would be forgetting my best friend.
I no longer feel sad when I write about the day we lost him. It's true that any loss, any void can be refilled. It may not be the same material of what was lost, but nevertheless, it is refilled. I do not want to say replace because I would never want to replace him. Because he and his death has taught me so much. Mostly about death, but most importantly about love and life.

I refused to see this before -- the loss of him has clouded my thinking, blocked all positive things: His death has brought upon me so much that without him dying, I wouldn't be this person. In a way, losing him was good, because then I found myself.

So here's to a celebration of your life through me, dad. Here's to the memories and stories that you have imparted to me. Here's to meeting you again soon.

Here's to faith. Here's to love. Here's to you.

---

Now playing: Dance With My Father Again

The Porcupine's Dilemma

When I said that I have abandonment issues, I was not quoting Meredith Grey nor was I trying to be this vulnerable and fragile girl so men can fawn over me. I have had this perpetual fear of dying alone in my apartment where my cats would nibble on my face. I don't have cats, but I have that fear anyways. And I have this person, who's getting close, too close, so much closer than I have let anyone in, and I started to depend on him and I hate depending on anyone. Because this is not me, because I have always been proud of being able to get by life with just me.

In times like these, I wish my dad hadn't died. Because, really, it all started there. Someone that I really love and admire died - left - and my bubble of certainty burst and I was suddenly pushed out into the world, not knowing what to do, how to act, what to say and just literally, not knowing how to deal with feelings and people and feelings for people. I mean, is this normal? Am I really supposed to depend on this other person? Or is it just because someone was finally here? But what do I do when the person suddenly disappears? Do I feel this way because I'm a spoiled bitch? Like, when you give me something, I expect you to continue giving it to me until I tell you to stop? Regardless of whether this is normal or not, how do I make this stop?

"Don't make me feel safe and then just abandon me." - Charlie, Girls

The Giraffe Who's A Failure

Disappointing everyone on an everyday basis.
Grasping on straws; one's hands are charged north and the straws are charged south.
Breaking out in tears or just simply going full angry-retarded on everyone.
Trying to fit in but failing.
Pretending but failing.
Lying but failing.

---

Now playing: Silence

Recap. (Or why I'm smiling on a Monday)

I brought le boyfriend to our family reunion. And it's the first time since forever that I brought someone. He participated in the family's Amazing Race thingy and won it for us. He made my grandma laugh.

We ate bad shrimp on the event so I had a mild case of food poisoning. He heard me pooing and puking so he laid me down and spooned me while rubbing my tummy while whispering "You can do it, you can do it."

dkshfbkdsabfjashdjkfhekrfds. You have no idea how my heart soars because of him. And me trying to put that feeling into words is just laughable. Because it's simply not possible.

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Now playing: Laura Pergolizzi - Tokyo Sunrise

I Have A Feeling

I'm not angry, really. No. I'm simply scared. For my heart. Because I feel like it's about to be broken again. Because I have been in there. I have lost something, someone and it fucking hurts because unlike  being hungry or thirsty, this has no immediate remedy. Once you have your heart broken, it's broken, it's scarred for life. And see, I know that those scars are beautiful in that they're proof that I have loved, but see, the scars make me crumble and want to just close up. Because it frickin' hurts. So yes, I don't want to have it broken again. And I'm not really in the right mind or state of emotion to be talking about, well, emotions, but I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, about to fall, without no one to catch me. Because I have nagged and clung him into possibly unloving me. And I can't help it because that's who I am. And I have tried to unhinge and to not talk and pretend not to care but pretending is too exhausting, especially when he's breaking down my walls.

I hate being me.

---

Now playing: Grey's Anatomy Season 6 OST

Things To Remember On Our Bad Days

I
We were lying in bed and you kissed me -- a smack on the lips, lousy really. But then you proceeded to explain that that was how our first kiss went. And then you kissed me gently, clumsily. My heart soared because you remembered, because no one usually remembered, because the call of flesh is rarely retained.

II
The look that you gave me when I gave out a gasp while reading David Levithan's Everyday -- I do not know how to read it, but it seems to me like astonishment at how easily I react to the things around me. I do not know what that look meant but I kind of like the fact that there is still something new that we can throw at each other.

III
When I asked you if I'm bossy, you immediately answered yes. Yes, without judgement. Yes, with resignation that yes, I am bossy, but nevertheless, you love me.

IV
The way we manage to play Candy Crush without killing each other because I randomly swipe at striped candies out of impatience -- candies, with which you were so meticulously plotting to be exploded by those chocolate ones. Yes, candies. Small things do matter.

V
Argo.

---

Now playing: Foster the People - Call It What You Want

HowManyTimesDoIHaveToRepeatThis

Here I go again, expecting a lot and then just ending up disappointed and cynical. How many times have I been hurt because of this annoying characteristic of mine. I mean, come on! You should know better! You can't expect anything from anyone because most of the time, things fall out, people choke on their promises, and being optimistic just makes you incredibly vulnerable.

You're sad. Your throat is throbbing. You're crying. And believe me, you look ugly when you cry. Remember these feelings, remember these thoughts. So that you'll know better. The next time you expect something of someone, remember this. You know better.

---

Now playing: Ed Sheeran - Give Me Love

It wouldn't hurt, would it?

Every start of the year, I list the things that I plan to do, but don't end up doing in the end. But still, what could be wrong with laying things out, right?

1. A little attitude adjustment. I noticed that I get so pissed off easily. Like, I'm a freakin' ticking bomb; press one wrong button and you can send me off exploding in your face. So yes, I need to change this because it's immature. It's okay to show a little emotion but hey, I can't always show it. There's a right time and right place (and right people) for it. I need to learn to bottle it up, just suck it up and plaster a freakin' smile on my face. Because that's the grown up thing to do.
2. Balance saving and spending. Ahhh, this elusive ability. It's not like I tried... I have, really. But by the end of the year, I lose track of everything because of impromptu travels, impulsive buys, etcetera, etcetera. My uncle taught me something: Out of your salary, take 20% off of it - that's your savings, take 10% - that's for charity or church, the rest is your spending allowance. Doesn't sound so bad, right?
3. No excuses, no regrets. Ever since I was a child, I remember having a retort for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. It was cute for a two year old. But that talent developed into something that's not so cute at all: I had an excuse for everything. Forgot to do the laundry? I was so tired because of work. Forgot to pay the bills? I had a lot of things on my plate, give me a break. Forgot to greet my uncle? Well, he forgot my birthday too. I mean, come on Pao, you're a grown up, you have responsibilities. I get it that you get tired too, but don't all people do? And do you see them forgetting to pay the bills. Just... Man up, grow up, quick!
4. Unhinge and detach. This has always been an inert fault of mine. When I get close to people, I get so naggy and clingy and just plain awful. I know that this is the main reason why most of my relationships do not work: I nag people into unloving me. I am in love with a wonderful man and I don't want to screw it up because I think he might be the one (insert more cheesiness here). It's just that I think I'm fine when I'm on my own, but when I enter into a relationship, something ticks in me that turns me into a "scary version of myself" (Emma, No Strings Attached). I'm lucky to have this person who puts up with my tantrums, but I have to make myself better for this to last.

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Now playing: John Mayer - Why Georgia