When I said that I have abandonment issues, I was not quoting Meredith Grey nor was I trying to be this vulnerable and fragile girl so men can fawn over me. I have had this perpetual fear of dying alone in my apartment where my cats would nibble on my face. I don't have cats, but I have that fear anyways. And I have this person, who's getting close, too close, so much closer than I have let anyone in, and I started to depend on him and I hate depending on anyone. Because this is not me, because I have always been proud of being able to get by life with just me.
In times like these, I wish my dad hadn't died. Because, really, it all started there. Someone that I really love and admire died - left - and my bubble of certainty burst and I was suddenly pushed out into the world, not knowing what to do, how to act, what to say and just literally, not knowing how to deal with feelings and people and feelings for people. I mean, is this normal? Am I really supposed to depend on this other person? Or is it just because someone was finally here? But what do I do when the person suddenly disappears? Do I feel this way because I'm a spoiled bitch? Like, when you give me something, I expect you to continue giving it to me until I tell you to stop? Regardless of whether this is normal or not, how do I make this stop?
"Don't make me feel safe and then just abandon me." - Charlie, Girls
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